i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
