You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
