On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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