I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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