he wants to bone in the snuggie
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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