I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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