I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
