pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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