All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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