I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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