YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
