You don't have asthma, your pregnant
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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