Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
