As shirtless as possible
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
