I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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