as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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