and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
