EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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