My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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