You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
