my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
