I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
