Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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