i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I deserve this hangover.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize