I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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