there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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