but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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