Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Girls should come with a carfax report
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
