I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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