Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
