Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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