You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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