I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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