I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
There r osticjed everywhere
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
