I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
