Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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