Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
