Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
