Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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