I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
