I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Randomize
