I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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