I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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