I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
