i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
