I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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