i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
