since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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