I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
