Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
