your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
