I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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