So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
