i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
