how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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