I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
