And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Apparently you make a good broom.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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