So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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