I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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