I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
