ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
