The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
