i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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