pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
